I’m alone. Even as I speak to the people I know, I feel the gap between them and me. They see me laugh and chatter happily, but I believe they also see that even as my face and eyes smile, my soul lies in weary and savage mourning.

I’ve seen too much. Some of the people I have spoken to have seen just as much, many have seen worse, but I believe that they have not _felt_ it quite as bad. They have not touched their lower mental limits; they have not seen the hell that can be produced only in their own minds.

I’m being attacked by my own soul, it is waging a battle against my reason, and it is winning, it is slowly grinding me to dust, to a husk, to a bitter man devoid of feelings. Those same feelings on which I have ridden to high peaks, and sunk into sullen depths, it is those feelings that I have grown to despise.

Winning the battle against my mind will turn me into something I do not want to be. It will turn me into a being without emotion, a cold person. I do not want to be that person, but it seems to me that I cannot continue to be controlled by emotions that despise me, and seem to seek to wreck me.

I have come out of the jungle, I have come out of the situations where I was near my end, where I could have lost my mind, but the situations changed me. They thrust upon me this feeling of isolation, this loneliness of unfathomable depth, the feeling that there will never be anyone who can understand or share my experiences.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

John, then why do you put yourselt through this sh--? get out why the getting is good. If, what you've seen bothers to this extent, and is turning you into something you don't want to be, what good can your "profession" be?

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then move out of mommy's basement, quit Mac Donalds, and for gods sake wash your face the pimples are nasty. That should make yu feel better.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

at the very least this is a writing exercise, and at the very greatest this is entertaining language and contemplative thought... stop hating on the guy and read the goddam journal, ok?

12:24 AM  

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